While I struggle to get super personal here, I often find myself thinking that if I share some of my experiences with anxiety and depression it might be helpful for myself and maybe even others. I know that when I read about other people’s struggles with these things I get a sense of not being alone which is incredibly comforting during moments of darkness.

This week I have been feeling off. I wouldn’t say depressed because I don’t think it’s reached that level yet, but I’ve been feeling blue and a bit anxious. I don’t want to do very much, I feel tired, and I sort of want to either hide away by myself or surround myself with the most comforting people I know (i.e. my mother and sisters). I’ve also been rather tearful. I would say that I am ‘a crier’ anyway. I’ll sob over a WISPA ad on TV, for example, or shed a few drops when Ellen Degeneres gives stuff away to deserving people. This is much more likely if it’s around the time I have PMS. These all seem fairly valid reasons to cry though. This week, waves of deep sadness have come over me at random moments, no commercials or menstruation necessary.

I do know that I am not feeling great about university. I find it extremely difficult to care enough about the topics, the outcome of getting my degree, etc. to care about the work involved. As the years have gone by, I have come to realise that I don’t particularly enjoy academic work. I often find research tedious and writing assignments is more like a nasty chore. I know that these things are about attitude. Somehow I have developed this attitude of just not liking it and therefore fighting it the whole time. More often lately I have been daydreaming about the things I would rather be doing: designing bags and stationery, and selling them to make a living. I no longer daydream about being a clinical psychologist. The thought of it actually causes the physical sensation of being strangled a little, or stuck in a very small box. I don’t think I want to listen to peoples’ problems, not because I don’t care, but because I am not sure I want my work-life to be based around others’ probably negative problems and having to confront that every day while maintaining my own positive head space.

I don’t know what all of this means right now. It’s like a big puzzle with only some of the pieces and absolutely no image to reference. I have no idea what the picture is or how many of the pieces fit together. It’s confusing and frustrating. Is this a quarter-life crisis? I’m 24 in a few months and I feel like I’m partially on the wrong path. My interest in psychology is there but I just don’t know if I actually want to be a psychologist any more. When I think of who I am and what I love, being creative is the most prominent thing. It is what has always been my strongest, most consistent love. From playdough sculptures and wooden cars made with milk bottle lids for wheels to painting ceramics to drawing and painting to needlework and sewing to website design and beyond. All of my most-loved hobbies have been artistic and over the last year and half I have been coming to the conclusion that, actually, I think I would rather make a living from doing something creative.

When I think of me, I don’t think any other career makes as much sense as one based in art. Which is basically what my dad has been saying to me since I was about 14. So, now what?

Via

As you know, university is back on and this week I’ve been busy attending classes and getting my head around the workload I have this semester. The thing is, originally I was only going to take three courses, which is what I usually do because it’s better for me to manage. However, last semester I ended up failing a course.

I know.

It’s both mortifying/embarrassing and upsetting on a purely personal level. I am very hard on myself when it comes to grades and although I’m not an A+ student on the regular, I want to be. So failing that course has been emotionally draining. I was average to above-average on my course work for it, but I didn’t revise enough during semester (the main issue, so entirely my own fault) and a combination of things toward exam time left with less time to study than I should have had. Subsequently the exam did not go well. It’s the first exam I’ve ever had where some parts I just had zero clue about. It’s also the first time I’ve ever cried during an exam.

I know. Also mortifying. Fortunately I waiting until I got out of the room before losing it completely. I basically knew I was going to fail – there wasn’t really much hope of a bare pass (although I did hold onto hope until I got my results back). So, I decided to enrol in another psychology course for this semester in the event that I should fail, because I want to meet all my stage 2 degree requirements this year and begin stage 3 next year. Thus that leaves me taking four courses instead of three.

For my major, psychology, I have Learning and Behaviour and Social Psychology, and for my minor, sociology, I’m taking Sociology and Crime and Adult and Youth Subcultures. They’re all interesting, of course, but I am most excited about social psychology – it’s my ‘Holy YES!’ class where I feel extremely engaged and excited every lecture (it helps that all the lecturers are fantastic). Now I need to learn to transfer that excitement to my other courses, because even though they are all interesting and I enjoy them, I think a bit more passion would help me do better.

I wonder if ‘fake it until you make it’ applies here?

Image made using some pretty downloads from PuglyPixel.

Another week over already? Honestly, the past seven days have flown by so fast it’s crazy. That always happens when you’re busy, and I have no doubt this next week will sail on by just as quickly. Now, on to the recap…

Through the past three weeks I have been overhauling my bedroom and last week’s scheduled top-to-bottom clean and layout reconfiguration was successful. Well, successful minus the crick I now have in my neck from moving heavy furniture on my own… Photos to come eventually (er, of my room, not my neck).

I also wanted to really sort through my shoe collection and actually give away some pairs for real. I was very strict with myself and gave away or donated three pairs, and threw out my pretty-much-dead flip flops.

The third goal I had last week was to actually take the old things I set aside for donation to a charity shop. I filled a black rubbish sack with stuff and took it to the local SPCA second-hand store on Wednesday.

This week I’m back at university for semester two and while it’ll be a slow one since there are no tutorials, it’s still going to be busy. In the spirit of getting myself nice and organised for this semester my goals for this week are entirely school-related.

1. Create and print a study timetable. A realistic one. I have a habit of making ridiculous schedules that not even superwoman could stick to.
2. Get all my textbooks/readers, and some stationery supplies (notebook + white-out tape refill).
3. Use my time wisely during the day. When I feel tired, I want to either push past that feeling or take a 10 minute power-nap/rest to recharge so I can study more during the day.

New habits have to start somewhere! And even three weeks of holiday seems to be enough to break some (like getting up early).

Have a super Monday everyone and I hope your week is wonderful! x

Photo by John Rawlings

Good morning, Monday! I’m feeling most excellent and rested after a great weekend; I hope you are, too.

Friday was a blunder of a day until the evening. I had a difficult exam (biopsychology) that afternoon which I had not done enough study for. The amount of information we had to learn was huge and I, unfortunately, had not prepared well for that throughout the semester. It was the worst exam I have ever had and I felt absolutely awful throughout, stuffed with anxiety. Despite the fact I am an anxious sort of person, ever since I started university I have been really proud of the fact that I am fairly cool when it comes to sitting my tests and exams. I get nervous beforehand, I feel the stress of studying, but once I’m in the room I manage to find a calm enough mental space to get the work done. I credit my sister in helping me accomplish this; she gave me some very sound advice before my first set of tests and I gave carried it with me over the last two years. However, on Friday, sitting in that chair and reading those questions and literally not knowing some of answers at all sent me to a mental and emotional place I never want to go again. I ended up in tears in the exam, just managing to hold myself together until I could leave, after which I promptly broke down while sitting on the steps of possibly the most beautiful building on campus. I was glad to have my hooded coat, so I could mostly cover myself for privacy. It was embarrassing. I had no tissues. I didn’t want to go to the restroom as it would require going inside and seeing people. Them seeing me. I just sat there and waited for Josh to pick me up on his way home from work, crying for a bit, hating myself, and then people-watching once my tears had slowed.

Fortunately the remainder of Friday was better. Josh and I went to see Green Lantern and had dinner out, and we did a bit of shopping too. Honestly, I have a ridiculous shopping problem. Some people are emotional eaters, drinkers, drug takers or gamblers. I shop. Bad day? Go buy something! It’s potentially terrible financially, but I never spend money I don’t have. And I do not have a credit card and I do not plan on having one until I really need to get a credit rating, which will not be for another good few years. When I do get one, it will also have a really small limit on it and I might keep it in a complicated card case with a puzzle I have to complete in order to unlock it, or something.

Anyway, on Friday I bought a pair of track pants and a new hoodie, then on Saturday I got another hoodie and a scarf. I also indulged in a chilli chocolate truffle and a chilli hot chocolate, both to die for. So I suppose that counts as emotional eating too? Or maybe just my sweet tooth, which seems to be increasingly worse lately, possibly from the influence of a certain dessert-loving girlfriend of mine.

Sunday was lazy. We woke up late, picked up a few things from the supermarket and grabbed KFC for brunch on the way home. Normally not a fast food I like. I hate to admit it, but I’m a McDonald’s girl. Sad but true! We hung out, played on the internet all day, and played guitar. Well, Josh played and I practices the two little pieces he taught me. It was such a nice way to wind down the week.

I’ll be back later with the last 8 weeks to a better me post!

Today was actually productive which is a huge relief after last week where I was basically stuck in bed for most of it and wanted to be in bed when I wasn’t. I do not love weeks like that; they are the reason time flies and you get to the other end of a time period and wonder where the hell it went and what exactly you did besides the laundry and being bothered to blow dry your hair that one day.

This morning I was woken very early at 2:30am and, unable to fall back to sleep, I got up and worked on an essay that was due today. I had mostly finished it but needed to tie a few loose ends together and proof read. Usually I’m the sort of person that would just stay in bed and will sleep to come, or do something for awhile like read a book, but this morning I found some motivation from somewhere (possibly under the bed, where one can also find a lot of dust). I worked on it for 3 hours before zoning out around 6:30 and taking an hour long nap. Once I was up again, it was Monday as usual. I got my essay done and handed in well before the due time.

While dropping off my paper I picked up two of my marked essays from the psychology department. One was a great mark and the other average, which was what I was expecting. I just wish it was the average one that was worth 5% instead of 20%! Oh well. I’m happy. For that particular course I have passed over half of my coursework which is certainly something to be pleased about.

Anyway, this afternoon was nice and chilled out. I’m having the night off from any stressing over university! That can come tomorrow when I work on my last essay for the semester and realise exams are only a few weeks away.

I have been house-sitting since mid-March and will be doing so until around Easter. It’s pretty much awesome because I have a three bedroom house all to myself with Sky TV and a proper kitchen. There is also two sweet kitties here as well, so I don’t feel entirely away from home with them around. I miss my cats though!

So, I just had all my midterms. I have had my head firmly stuck to textbooks and notes the last couple of weeks. I think I wrote the worst essay I’ve ever composed and I will be incredibly surprised if I don’t fail that assignment. This is what happens when your planning is rubbish and you are not sure if you really understand the theory you are writing about. I should have videoed the whole thing and marketed it as what not to do when you’re a student. I would probably be rich by now.

I could have also documented my adventure into caffeine addiction and lack of sleep. Over the weekend I was working on the aforementioned disaster essay and studying for an intimidating biopsychology test so I didn’t get much sleep and kept drinking coffee to stop myself from losing focus (it didn’t really work, just so you know). Then I got overtired. You know how it is, right? You just want to sleep and you’re mind and body are exhausted, yet there is this part of your mind that stubbornly remains awake, preventing the rest of you from sleeping. I was in the middle of such a night on Sunday/Monday when I got up to get a drink and found one of the cats had devoured a rat in the hallway, leaving behind only some guts and the tail. It was around 3:20am and I was cleaning up rat remains. I honestly wanted to hit my head on a brick wall repeatedly. I think I may have even muttered “Oh, you have got to be f***ing kidding me!” several times.

Anyway, fast-forward to Tuesday and I was a total zombie. You know when you’re so tired that you feel kind of drunk, like you could just start laughing any second and not stop? Yeah, that. In my documentary film about caffeine addiction and lack of sleep you would have seen me in a morning class struggling to string two words together while also laughing at…really not much, and just about falling asleep at the desk while writing notes. I tried to stay for my afternoon class but dizzy spells eventually convinced me to haul it back The Boyfriend’s house for a rest. I slept that afternoon for about 5 hours, and that night for about 7 hours. It wasn’t enough, so the next day I stayed home and recovered from coffee overload.

Fortunately I am feeling much better now, though I could still sleep all day if given half the chance, but then when wouldn’t I?? I just love my sleep. I’m not one of those people who can function on less than 7 hours a night. I need sleep in order to manage living and when I don’t get it I turn into a total weirdo.

Thank God it’s Friday! xx

(Image source)

Wouldn’t it be fantastic if kittens came out of textbooks? I think I would find my Sociology and Popular Culture reader a lot more fascinating if a dinky tabby mewed at me from between the pages. Yep, university is back and it was a somewhat crazy week. It was my first week of full classes (tutorials and labs don’t start until second week) and so far things are looking good. I definitely have my work cut out for me, but I’m excited by my courses (two psychology and one sociology). Also, fatigue hasn’t set in yet.

My weekend ended on a crazy-busy note yesterday! I helped my boyfriend move to his new place, and by that what I mean is we packed and moved everything yesterday. Yeah, he wasn’t super-organised, but he had only found the place last Thursday. Fortunately my parents helped us move the furniture and most of everything else

Josh and I even managed to get his new room set up fairly well. Most clothes and books are unpacked, bed is all done, his brand new plasma TV is set up (of course, hehe). For a one-day job I think we did pretty well considering it was only 4 people for a few hours, then the 2 of us. The worst thing though was the dust, which I’m allergic to (well, technically allergic to dust mite poop but thinking about that would turn me into a germiphobe). I sneeze my butt off most of the day and paid for it with a rare bout of asthma. I don’t have any asthma medication anymore but I really wished that I had last night. I haven’t had breathing difficulties like that since I was much younger and it really sucked. I just feel so lucky that I don’t have to experience that often, like so many people do.

This morning on the way home I went into university to do a couple of things before my classes start on Wednesday. I managed to sell one of my old textbooks back to the bookstore for $70! I was so stoked as I wasn’t sure I would get that much for it at all. It’s still nearly a 50% markdown on what I paid for it, but it’s better than nothing or having it sit around unused. So yeah, this is basically my bus money.

Being the first day of semester, campus was obviously packed. I scored a free bottle of drink and was going to try to get more free stuff but the lines were nuts and I got over the pull of OMG-free-stuff-!!11!1! pretty quickly, haha. As I’m sure many of you know, the first couple of weeks back at uni are crazy full of people. All the first year students starting and trying to figure everything out; they’re like swarming bees! But it’s ok because I was once one of them so I know what it’s like. Everything is so new and exciting, you feel more adult all of a sudden, but also there is this sense of ‘being a student’ and what that entails. Like booze nights and various crazy antics. I didn’t really experience that student life, nor have I any intention to either. I think if I lived closer to campus I definitely would socialise more with fellow students, but the travel I have to do takes up so much time that I really just cannot be bothered going out anywhere at the end of the day. I want to go home, have a nice meal, and relax. Quietly.

A month ago I really wasn’t looking forward to going back to school, I was definitely feeling jaded by the whole experience. I had finally caught up in energy and was feeling so happy and alive, so creative and free, that the thought of having to go back to regular classes, assignments, and 2 hours on a bus every day was the worst. Now, however, I’m feeling much more excited. I think my classes will all be quite interesting, especially psychology. A lot of work, obviously, but enjoyable at the same time.

Happy Monday!

I’m free!! Yesterday afternoon was my very last exam for the year and I am so stoked to be finished. I felt really good about the exam as well which is awesome. Essay exams used to make me quiver in my ballet flats but I’ve been working on getting my head around how best to prepare for them, with the help of some fabulous people, and I think it’s worked!

Anyway, I am deliriously happy right now. I’m leaving for my full body massage treat in ten minutes, then I get to come home and chill out, craft, sew – whatever I like! This afternoon our new baby, Missy, arrives as well, which is super-duper exciting. I will be sure to post photos later tonight! I can’t wait for puppy cuddles.

Here are some photos from yesterday evening, taken by the bus stop as I waited for my mama to pick me up (bus stop is like 15 minutes drive from my house…).

xox

Today was my second-to-last exam, French. I am not particularly confident about it and I will actually be surprised if I managed to do well enough to secure a pass for that class. I really, really hope I don’t fail, but it’s been a rough semester for several reasons and I really did not put the effort into French that I should have. Oh well, lesson learned.

Anyway, after I my exam I went and hung out with my eldest sister and her two kiddos for awhile. It was a brilliant way to refresh and take my mind off study! Here are some photos from today, as well as a couple of recents.

Persia and I. Please excuse the unflattering-for-me photo! My skin looks horrid. :S Just look at Persia, isn’t she cute?!

Sometimes you just gotta treat yourself. I like to do that with massages and flowers. The massage will come next week, as my treat for finishing exams, but today I wanted a little floral pick-me-up.

From last week we have these two cuties! Two of my favourite boys in the whole wide world who are rays of marvellous (an hilarious) sunshine in my life. Sometimes I get scared that I won’t find motherhood as satisfying as being an aunt – like, what if I can’t cope? I’m sure I will love it though, once it does happen, and that I will be able to enjoy my babes like I enjoy being around my nieces and nephews. I adore kids!

Ro-Ro in a jet! It was a pretty cool ride actually. I kind of wanted a turn.

Seriously, so in love with this boy! When he’s not teething he’s the most laid-back, happy baby. He was going through a bad teething day when this photo was taken and he still managed smiles! Also, you can’t really tell in this photo, but his hair is getting super curly.

And last one, from September.

I got have my photo taken with a Sylvanian Families character! Toy stores are the best.