Yesterday afternoon I had the urge to read Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice*, an urge I couldn’t resist, no matter how tired/down/blah I was feeling. Of course this meant I had to go and search through some of my boxes in the shed since I didn’t have the book on hand. Fortunately the boxes are not difficult to find and me being the compulsive organiser have everything well labelled for occasions such as this. P&P was found without much fuss, along with a few other things.

I ended up going through a couple of boxes that had some of my ornaments, framed photos and things like that. I haven’t seen a lot of this stuff in over a year so I was really pleased to dig it out, so much so I picked out a few things to add to my room. I am very strapped for space so I can’t keep many ornaments or anything out since there is no shelving, but I think I have used what space I do have to show off some of my favourite things.

After I gathered what I’d found I began cleaning, tidying and slightly rearranging my room. I felt so good for having done it, and my anxiety levels went down as a result. Christine commented on my post yesterday about lack of enthusiasm saying that tackling the tiniest tasks first is a good way to breed motivation. She is right, of course, and I knew that before but even the tiniest things seemed ginormous. However, after doing more to my room I feel that I have made some progress and now want to get some other things done. I guess it was the little spark I needed, coupled with Christine’s reinforcement (thanks, Christine!)

*I’m really having a Jane phase at the moment. P&P is the only novel of hers that I own, but I have three film adaptations of her work on DVD and they all happen to be some of my favourite movies. I’ve been watching them all a lot, lately.

Since Christmas I’ve been feeling slightly lost because I don’t really have any projects on the go, now. Usually I have creative things to do, I feel like reading and what-not, but lately all I feel like doing is watching movies… Perhaps it’s the heat and the anxiety I’ve experiencing recently. Well, whatever it is, I know I really need to start getting motivated to do things before I get stuck in this rut.

I have kind of started knocking out ideas for a new site design, but my heart is not really in it at present. That seems to be how I feel about many things, which is rather a giant pain!

Oh, well, hopefully soon I will be feeling better and my creativity will come back.

What are some things you do to help motivate yourself?

Note: I wrote this yesterday but forgot to publish it to the blog, so you’re getting it now.

I’m feeling decidedly unmotivated today, which presents problems as I need to finish packing my belongings up this weekend and want to help my mum with stuff as well. We move on the 19th so it would be better to get as much done this weekend instead of leaving it to the last minute, which I’m prone to doing with most things.

I hate getting into these slumps of no motivation, for obvious reasons. It’s not at all fun, that’s for sure, but I just can’t be bothered. I’m tired, my neck is a bit sore and causing headaches, it’s hot. I don’t want to do anything! It’s so annoying. It’s like my default mood is “blah” instead of happy. I’m existing, not living, which sucks.

At least it’s fixable though, by making myself do stuff, and I tend to feel more lively and motivated when I’m in Auckland, which is where I’m moving to.

Speaking of which, it occurred to me recently that anyone following this blog might be confused about the move, so here is a brief explanation:

I was born in Auckland, skip to age 12 and my family moves to Gisborne. Over the last 8 years I’ve spent lots of time in Auckland as we’d go there several times a year. In September 2007 I moved to Auckland and stayed there until March of this year, when I came back down for a holiday. After that my situation in Auckland changed and I decided to come back down to Gisborne for the rest of the year, until the move back to Auckland. Incidentally I have probably spent more time in Auckland this second half of the year than I had anticipated, because my mum and I have been back and forth for various reasons and we spent about 2 months there, from July to October, when my eldest sister gave birth. So, next week we finally move, or I do as Mum will come back here for a bit as my dad still has a month of work left. The End!

I think I’ve given myself too much to do. I have all these lists of stuff I need or want to do and I’m getting so overwhelmed by the volume that all I seem to be doing lately is…nothing! I’m not accomplishing much of anything except that which is totally necessary or that I can be bothered doing.

There are not enough hours in the day, not enough minutes, not enough time to sit and just be. I don’t mean doing things for myself, because a lot of things on my to-do lists are things that I enjoy and want to do simply for the reason that they make me happy. I don’t mean having me-time and choosing to do whatever I please with that time, like play around on the Internet, movies, TV or reading. What I mean is time that is for me, where I am not distracting my mind with something, and I can sit and be still in my mind. To think, to breathe, to just be.

I guess a form of meditation is what I mean. I need that time and I want it, but it also becomes like a task I have to do and not something I do because it pleases me. I’m just having very conflicted responses to the things I do for joy and such. They’re becoming tasks that must be completed as opposed to projects I can sink into and have fun with.

I’m not really sure where this is coming from or why, which I’m finding frustrating. I don’t like feeling unproductive and lazy, yet I am finding it very hard to pull myself up and get going with things at the moment. Urgency is in my face with a lot of it and that is crippling me, I think. It’s odd that I tend to feel like this most often when I come back to Gisborne. Time almost seems to stop yet it flies passed me and I’ve no idea where it all went and what the hell I was doing during.

All of those things on my lists feel like bricks that are slowly mounting up on top of me and I just can’t even be bothered moving them off despite the fact my mind is screaming. I’m screaming at myself to get going and stop dawdling, but my body says “No, just a little bit longer. I’m tired and I want to lie down,” and a part of my mind says “No, just a little bit longer. I’m tired and I don’t want to think about it.” And I (the productive, ass-kicking side) says to “get the f**k up,” but the other sides are still winning.

Maybe if I could just sleep better, and I know once I get going with things a flow will develop and I’ll get everything done. I just need a jump-start.