While I struggle to get super personal here, I often find myself thinking that if I share some of my experiences with anxiety and depression it might be helpful for myself and maybe even others. I know that when I read about other people’s struggles with these things I get a sense of not being alone which is incredibly comforting during moments of darkness.

This week I have been feeling off. I wouldn’t say depressed because I don’t think it’s reached that level yet, but I’ve been feeling blue and a bit anxious. I don’t want to do very much, I feel tired, and I sort of want to either hide away by myself or surround myself with the most comforting people I know (i.e. my mother and sisters). I’ve also been rather tearful. I would say that I am ‘a crier’ anyway. I’ll sob over a WISPA ad on TV, for example, or shed a few drops when Ellen Degeneres gives stuff away to deserving people. This is much more likely if it’s around the time I have PMS. These all seem fairly valid reasons to cry though. This week, waves of deep sadness have come over me at random moments, no commercials or menstruation necessary.

I do know that I am not feeling great about university. I find it extremely difficult to care enough about the topics, the outcome of getting my degree, etc. to care about the work involved. As the years have gone by, I have come to realise that I don’t particularly enjoy academic work. I often find research tedious and writing assignments is more like a nasty chore. I know that these things are about attitude. Somehow I have developed this attitude of just not liking it and therefore fighting it the whole time. More often lately I have been daydreaming about the things I would rather be doing: designing bags and stationery, and selling them to make a living. I no longer daydream about being a clinical psychologist. The thought of it actually causes the physical sensation of being strangled a little, or stuck in a very small box. I don’t think I want to listen to peoples’ problems, not because I don’t care, but because I am not sure I want my work-life to be based around others’ probably negative problems and having to confront that every day while maintaining my own positive head space.

I don’t know what all of this means right now. It’s like a big puzzle with only some of the pieces and absolutely no image to reference. I have no idea what the picture is or how many of the pieces fit together. It’s confusing and frustrating. Is this a quarter-life crisis? I’m 24 in a few months and I feel like I’m partially on the wrong path. My interest in psychology is there but I just don’t know if I actually want to be a psychologist any more. When I think of who I am and what I love, being creative is the most prominent thing. It is what has always been my strongest, most consistent love. From playdough sculptures and wooden cars made with milk bottle lids for wheels to painting ceramics to drawing and painting to needlework and sewing to website design and beyond. All of my most-loved hobbies have been artistic and over the last year and half I have been coming to the conclusion that, actually, I think I would rather make a living from doing something creative.

When I think of me, I don’t think any other career makes as much sense as one based in art. Which is basically what my dad has been saying to me since I was about 14. So, now what?

Via

Lately I’ve been having a bit of a hard time remembering that I’m actually a good, likeable, lovable person worthy of my loved-ones’ esteem. At the moment I seem to only remember all the parts of myself that I’m unhappy with and it’s beginning to take ‘the blues’ in the direction of depression as my anxiety surrounding myself and my life increases.

Most of my insecurities have always been related to me as a person and my personality rather than how I look. While I definitely had times as a teenager where I cringed in the mirror I never felt very desperate over my appearance. Now, that seems to have caught up with me! I gained a lot of weight last year, about 9 kilograms (19.8lbs), and the change in my shape has been really shocking for me. I hate wearing jeans because they’re too tight around my middle; I hate most of my other clothes, even well-fitting ones, because I feel awful in them. Frumpy.

Other things have been weighing on my mind too, like my lack of close friends that live anywhere near me. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a decent close friendship with someone who I’m not in a romantic relationship with or related to. I’ve always been awkward and quiet, rarely liking to share about myself (hense the lack of detailed personal posts on this blog*) and this makes it hard for me to make friends beyond acquaintances, sitting together in class, or going for more than the occasional coffee. I keep people at a distance, for good reasons, but it’s unhealthy when you want to make friends! You just can’t do it without putting yourself out there and being willing to suffer the disappointment if it turns out you won’t be great buddies after all.

I really need to work on my acceptance of perfection not existing. I will never be perfectly right with everything I do, nor will I be liked by everyone, just as I don’t like everyone I meet. I do not have to be in competition with every women on the planet to see who wins the title of Most Awesome Female Ever. I probably wouldn’t feel that last point so acutely if I hadn’t been hurt by some girls in my past. But there you have it; the competition between women – one of the most horrible feelings for me because I would rather being cheering other girls on. How on earth do I get over this (if you have any advice please get in touch)?

What do you do when you feel insecure? How have you become a more secure person?

*Even as I write this post I am not sure I will actually make it public. Sharing myself with others is so very scary. What if I’m weird, not likeable, not funny, etc? What if people just don’t get me? So many silly questions that just shouldn’t matter, but for some reason they matter to me.

My sister’s four-month-old puppy, Chopper, is currently having a very ferocious barking session at a bumble bee, bless him!

Anyway, I haven’t really done a “life update” in awhile, so that is what this post is, I suppose. Not that there is really anything overly interesting to report on, except that I’m going to be 21 tomorrow. But, nevertheless, I should be able to ramble on for a couple of paragraphs about stuff. *

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had been struggling with anxiety and depression, and I’m pleased to say I am making great progress on both of those issues. It’s a great relief to be getting back to my normal self and to also be taking an active role in getting to the bottom of my anxiety. It can be incredibly crippling at it’s worst, as anyone who’s experienced it will know, and I’m a firm believer in being self-aware and working on my issues instead of letting them get the better of me.

With the depression lessening and cooler weather setting in, I’ve found my interest in crafts has come back. I’ve started a new project: a teddy bear for one of my grandmothers. She loves teddy bears and I’ve been commissioned to make her one (by my mum), so I have something that is (usually) relaxing to do. A friend of mine asked if I could take photos of the process, which I have been doing, so look out in the near future for a post. I’ll probably do progress posts instead of one big post as there might be a lot of images!

In other news, my obsession with the 1930s, 40s and 50s is back in full-force, in particular the 50s. I keep trawling TradeMe in the hopes of finding a brilliant vintage dress, but no luck thus far — the sizing is usually wrong on anything I find myself drawn to, so unless I can be sure to drop two dress sizes soon, there is no point in buying them. I refuse to buy anything I won’t or can’t use (except for the hair brush that came with the vintage brush and mirror set I got a few years ago**). Well, usually, anyway. I don’t know what I’d do with the copies of Punch magazine, from the 1930s, that I saw in an antique store today, apart from looking at them repeatedly. Is that a valid enough reason to go back and get them, do you think?

*Smilies. I must find some nice ones to replace the default WordPress smilies. Can you recommend some designs?
**Second-hand hair doesn’t appeal to me…

I’ve had a very uneventful weekend, which is just the way I wanted it! Yesterday I got to spend about one and a half hours playing with my 7-month-old niece while her big brother and mama did some gardening. She’s the most delightful creature! I get so much joy from making her laugh and seeing her do all these new things she’s starting to do. She’s a very happy baby and spends most of her time smiling and giggling, and, let me tell you, it’s some of the best stuff for fixing a dull mood!

I’ve been experiencing a lot of anxiety and depression recently that has been very disruptive to my life, so much so that I took myself off to the doctor to figure out a plan for getting better, which I am now very slowly-but-surely doing. Anyway, my real point is that, during times when I have these struggles, I tend to isolate myself from friends and gravitate more towards family as they are my net, my extra-support system and so on. My niece and nephews give me a lot of joy and that’s what I need most right now; their giggles and fun. It’s a true pleasure to have such magical bundles of light in my life and I feel very lucky.

So, yes, uneventful but nice weekend. Last night there was nothing on TV and I didn’t feel like watching any of my own DVDs, however I remembered my aunt had left a few of hers at our place, so I ended up watching The Sound of Music. It’s quite long and I could never sit through it when I was little so it was actually the first time I’ve ever seen the whole thing from start to finish and, I have to say, I really enjoyed! Julie Andrews is a truly amazing woman with so much talent—she’s a real joy to watch.

Yesterday afternoon I had the urge to read Jane Austen’s Pride & Prejudice*, an urge I couldn’t resist, no matter how tired/down/blah I was feeling. Of course this meant I had to go and search through some of my boxes in the shed since I didn’t have the book on hand. Fortunately the boxes are not difficult to find and me being the compulsive organiser have everything well labelled for occasions such as this. P&P was found without much fuss, along with a few other things.

I ended up going through a couple of boxes that had some of my ornaments, framed photos and things like that. I haven’t seen a lot of this stuff in over a year so I was really pleased to dig it out, so much so I picked out a few things to add to my room. I am very strapped for space so I can’t keep many ornaments or anything out since there is no shelving, but I think I have used what space I do have to show off some of my favourite things.

After I gathered what I’d found I began cleaning, tidying and slightly rearranging my room. I felt so good for having done it, and my anxiety levels went down as a result. Christine commented on my post yesterday about lack of enthusiasm saying that tackling the tiniest tasks first is a good way to breed motivation. She is right, of course, and I knew that before but even the tiniest things seemed ginormous. However, after doing more to my room I feel that I have made some progress and now want to get some other things done. I guess it was the little spark I needed, coupled with Christine’s reinforcement (thanks, Christine!)

*I’m really having a Jane phase at the moment. P&P is the only novel of hers that I own, but I have three film adaptations of her work on DVD and they all happen to be some of my favourite movies. I’ve been watching them all a lot, lately.

Since Christmas I’ve been feeling slightly lost because I don’t really have any projects on the go, now. Usually I have creative things to do, I feel like reading and what-not, but lately all I feel like doing is watching movies… Perhaps it’s the heat and the anxiety I’ve experiencing recently. Well, whatever it is, I know I really need to start getting motivated to do things before I get stuck in this rut.

I have kind of started knocking out ideas for a new site design, but my heart is not really in it at present. That seems to be how I feel about many things, which is rather a giant pain!

Oh, well, hopefully soon I will be feeling better and my creativity will come back.

What are some things you do to help motivate yourself?