Dearest crush,

The first time I saw you was in psychology class just over a year ago. You had bleached short hair and were wearing black jeans with a sleeveless shirt, a denim sleeveless jacket with patches all over it, combat boots and carried your motorcycle helmet under your arm. You sauntered into the lecture theatre like you owned the place. I swooned a little bit. You sat next to a girl I assumed was your girlfriend. It was not until later that I found out she wasn’t, much to my relief because I though she had a horse-face and that you deserved someone better. I have always judged harshly and unfairly; it’s terrible.

Anyway, after that I noticed you every time you were in class and I noticed when you were not there, but I never spoke to you. Then one day, I was waiting for my psychology tutorial and you were waiting for yours: our classes were next door to each other. You were sitting on a bench seat in the hallway, playing on our laptop, so I sat down next to you and pretended to read my manual for class that day. You asked me soon after if I was in psych 108, and I said yes. You introduced yourself and I think I told you my name in return, then we got talking about things, you played me some music on your laptop, and you mentioned your life and I deduced that you were maybe a bit broken and that I should probably keep a nice distance so as not to get myself into a potential mess. Plus, you were 18 and I was 21 and still harbouring hopes for my then sociology lecturer.

After that day you sat by me in class most days you were there. You weren’t there a lot though and I realise why now, what with everything going on in your life. But I missed you when you weren’t there, even though I kept telling myself I shouldn’t fall for you. Once you started coming back to classes more regularly you also started to want to hang out a lot. I wasn’t sure about it all at first, because, as I mentioned, I thought I should probably not get involved (I was doing that harsh judgement thing again). But you were persistent and so we had coffees, and a beer once, and then we started texting too.

At the end of the semester we decided to do some studying for psychology together. That day we didn’t do any studying at all. You arrived and looked heart-stoppingly handsome and I kept thinking “Oh no, don’t do anything rash, Sam! Just friends, just friends!”. You were cold and wet from riding your motorcycle in the rain and you asked for a hug and I was shy but gave you one anyway. You were hungry and wanted to grab some breakfast, which incidentally happened to be Indian. I wasn’t hungry so I didn’t get anything. We sat in a booth and you ate and we talked. And we talked, and talked, and talked. And laughed too. You were so cuddly, which was odd to me because I never knew anyone to be that way unless they were romantically interested. I thought maybe you liked me; I hoped you did.

You kept hugging me, and then after awhile I kissed you. It seemed like the thing to do at the time. It was an uncertain kiss, and I apologised after, but I so wanted to grab your face and kiss you until we turned blue. Lucky for me, you didn’t seem to mind the kiss, and so then the kisses happened again. And again. I’m pretty sure we managed to gross the whole upstairs cafeteria out actually, but I didn’t care because they were the best kisses. In the afternoon, after hours of talking and some kissing, we both had to go. You walked me to the bus and held my hand and I wasn’t sure what to think of anything that had happened and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to keep kissing you or say sorry I didn’t mean it, but I did feel happy despite all of the confusing thoughts and feelings.

That day was exactly 10 months ago today, and we have been inseparable since. You are my crush, my friend, my partner, my lover. I have never in my life felt for anyone what I feel for you and that totally amazes me. When I was not looking for love, while I was judging you as being too young, too broken, too whatever for me, I found the best love in you. You make me feel so safe in this world, in every sense of the word, and you are my happy place. I love you.

Happy anniversary, Babycakes! xox