I think I’ve given myself too much to do. I have all these lists of stuff I need or want to do and I’m getting so overwhelmed by the volume that all I seem to be doing lately is…nothing! I’m not accomplishing much of anything except that which is totally necessary or that I can be bothered doing.
There are not enough hours in the day, not enough minutes, not enough time to sit and just be. I don’t mean doing things for myself, because a lot of things on my to-do lists are things that I enjoy and want to do simply for the reason that they make me happy. I don’t mean having me-time and choosing to do whatever I please with that time, like play around on the Internet, movies, TV or reading. What I mean is time that is for me, where I am not distracting my mind with something, and I can sit and be still in my mind. To think, to breathe, to just be.
I guess a form of meditation is what I mean. I need that time and I want it, but it also becomes like a task I have to do and not something I do because it pleases me. I’m just having very conflicted responses to the things I do for joy and such. They’re becoming tasks that must be completed as opposed to projects I can sink into and have fun with.
I’m not really sure where this is coming from or why, which I’m finding frustrating. I don’t like feeling unproductive and lazy, yet I am finding it very hard to pull myself up and get going with things at the moment. Urgency is in my face with a lot of it and that is crippling me, I think. It’s odd that I tend to feel like this most often when I come back to Gisborne. Time almost seems to stop yet it flies passed me and I’ve no idea where it all went and what the hell I was doing during.
All of those things on my lists feel like bricks that are slowly mounting up on top of me and I just can’t even be bothered moving them off despite the fact my mind is screaming. I’m screaming at myself to get going and stop dawdling, but my body says “No, just a little bit longer. I’m tired and I want to lie down,” and a part of my mind says “No, just a little bit longer. I’m tired and I don’t want to think about it.” And I (the productive, ass-kicking side) says to “get the f**k up,” but the other sides are still winning.
Maybe if I could just sleep better, and I know once I get going with things a flow will develop and I’ll get everything done. I just need a jump-start.